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BY DANA CARR
Women entrepreneurs are adept at finding subcontractors or other consultants to help us on large projects to get the task done. Yet, when it comes to our elderly parents who may be struggling in their homes alone, we are sometimes reluctant to bring in “outside help.”
How do we know if our parents really need help? How do we broach the subject at all? And how do we arrange for care?
These are tough questions and sensitive subjects to bring up before our parents, who may insist they are “fine, just fine.”
To help family members negotiate these difficult topics, I’ve created the following guidelines. As a carebroker helping families find in-home caregivers, I’ve discovered that proper preparation and assessment before hiring can help avoid hard feelings and misunderstandings. Negotiating in-home care often means, not just negotiating with caregivers and service providers, but reluctant parents, as well.
Discerning If Help Is Needed
When is it time to consider in-home assistance for elder parents? The following may indicate that outside help may be needed.
- Neglect of personal hygiene – Because of limited mobility or lack of energy, parents may start to skip daily showers or baths. They may wear the same clothes all the time and even sleep in them.
- Passivity or indifference – Parents may say, “Why should I bathe/change my clothes, I don’t go anywhere?” They may not bother to repair household items. They may watch TV all day. This could signal inability to adequately care for themselves.
- Dust or unkempt housekeeping – The family home may be dusty and untidy. Nothing is being cleaned on a regular basis or thrown out.
- Lack of food – The refrigerator is empty or regular to-go orders are delivered. This may signal difficulty driving, fear of accidents or physical inability to lift groceries out of the car once home.
- Tiredness – Parents may complain about being tired constantly, a possible sign of depression or loneliness.
- Forgetfulness – Food is left cooking on the stove, water is left running, medications are missed, the phone is left off the hook or bills are paid late or not at all.
Introducing the Subject
Once children of elder parents recognize problems are occurring, speaking to parents can be difficult. The elderly may have a tremendous amount of fear and denial as they begin to realize that they are not functioning well on their own.
They may fear that their freedom will be taken away and that they will be forced to move from their lifelong home into a “rest home.” Accustomed to living alone, they may also fear having “strangers” in their home. They may feel vulnerable and afraid that they will be taken advantage of.
Try to reassure them that in-home assistance is not the beginning of the end but a move to prolong their ability to live in their home for as long as possible. Assure them that they will have final say on whether to continue with the caregiver or cancel.
Suggest a trial period of a few weeks or months and stress it is a “temporary” arrangement, not a permanent one.
Arranging for Care
Once you have jointly decided to pursue in-home care, take the appropriate steps to ensure the best caregiver for your situation is hired and used in a professional manner.
- Include your parent – The elderly should be part of the discussion. They may have the best ideas on what they need.
- Create a schedule – Set aside a certain time of day or days of the week and mark it on a calendar so that the elder is not surprised or startled by the visit.
- Define tasks imaginatively – Assign specific tasks that may be too difficult for the elderly to perform, such as laundry, changing bed linens or vacuuming. Also, think creatively and assign tasks that enable the elder to become more active. For example, the caregiver could assist in cooking or gardening, with the elder overseeing so that the elder feels like a participant and has a feeling of accomplishment. The caregiver can even be a companion to drive the elderly to the movies or church.
- Limit the caregiver role - However personal the relationship becomes, make sure family members and the caregiver understand that the paid worker is not a family member. The caregiver should NOT have access to the credit or ATM cards belonging to the elderly or the family, nor should the worker be paid in cash.
- Notice feelings – Pay close attention to your feelings and that of your parent. If either of you feels uncomfortable or uneasy with the worker, speak up. Don’t hire them.
Finally, an in-home caregiver can provide simple human contact and help end the isolation and resulting depression that can plague so many elderly who have lost mobility, lost friends to death and illness and who live alone. Many elderly stay home all day by themselves, watching television shows that don’t interest them or are not relevant to them.
In-home care workers provide personal interaction and are often seniors themselves with whom the elderly person may actually have much in common. Their presence and assistance can help the elderly feel vital again and enable them to lead healthy, active and happy lives.
Dana Carr is the owner of Pasadena, CA-based Carr & Associates, a carebroker who helps families find in-home caregivers throughout Los Angeles, the Inland Empire, and the San Fernando and San Gabriel valleys. She can be contacted at 626-797-5954 (e-mail: dcarr@carebrokers.com).
(This article is reprinted from the Summer 2005 edition of Enterprising Women magazine. Copyright 2005 Enterprising Women Inc. Reproduction in whole or part is prohibited, except by express permission of the publisher.)
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